No idea what I even try to achieve by writing this shit down, probably just screaming into the void hoping my brain shuts up for a while
Anyone else just feeling…weird a lot? A mixture of being lost, angry, dread and hopelessness? Like trying to prepare for a fight you 100% know you cant win and its almost certainly your own fault?
I visited /sig/ and /pol/ here and there are really a lot of amazing, smart and geniusly caring people. Got quite a lot of good answers for my questions. Yet somehow that firepit in my soul never gets smaller or colder, you know what I am saying?
Tried so much shit to feel better, more fulfilled and less hopeless but it just doesnt seem to work
Working out daily now with dumbbells, also doing sit-ups, push-up and running regulary. Looking fitter and feeling healthier yet I still feel powerless, weak and unmanly
Trying to quit porn, activly remind myself of the benefits of nofap and the jewish hand in it but still fall back into this animalistic need to fap every 2 days. I hate myself so much for it
Community, Friends and even a Wife and Family IRL is probably my biggest goal and yet it is so stressful. Was at one party my entire life and its one of my worst memories. Also obviously autistic. It feels like im not made for this shit so why can I think of nothing else but this? Big family meetings exhaust me within 5 minutes so why chase a big family myself? Whats wrong with me?
Im really good and fluent in talking but how is that supposed to help me in any way if I just hate conversations?
Also cant shake this internet bullshit out of my head. Used to think good photographic memory was a blessing but instead I just became 4Chan - The walking failure or earlier in life Reddit - the laughingstock.
How the fuck can one know how to live his life? I barely know what I want and im easily influences by others, IRL and online.
Are my thoughts even my own? Maybe im just one of those NPCs mentioned in memes often who thinks hes better because "I support the opposite of current thing"? god knows
Spiritually keeping my faith up as good as possible and yet nothing changes mentally. Still angry and hopeless, I dont feel saved. The hordes of Muslims around me certainly dont help and it just makes me hate them even more then I already do. fuck em
Generally harbour tons of hate. Hate on myself, hate on my father for never teaching me jackshit, hate on my mother for raising me to be a soft, balPost too long. Click here to view the full text.